I am sad, and in no universe or seventeenth layer of Hell will I deny this feeling.
At first it was anger that erupted from within me, searing up the length of my limbs and wrapping around my torso in the most violent way possible. It was rage that seized me and it was rage that made my tears hot and sticky as they trickled down my cheeks. It was rage that ran through my veins like the sweetest, most toxic of poisons, and it is rage that caused sharp pin-pricks of pain to blast through my ear-drums.
It was anger of finding out. I felt that my lungs were deflating within my being, and I felt like something–someone–had betrayed me, and in the worst way possible.
Then it was a cooler layer of anger. A less-heated, less-explosive version of anger. It still hit me hard, though. The chilled flames licked at my heart and burnt me from the abdomen all the way up to my heart. The flames tackled the organ and sent out obstacles, hard chunks of emotion and pain and hate, thick impurities that restricted blood-flow. I could not breathe and I was not sure whether I even wanted to.
It hurt me, my own anger hurt me more than the thing that had hurt me so deeply in the first place.
Sadness settled in, after along while. Sadness led my limbs to sleep and stroked the pillow with tears from my eyes.
How will I handle this?
I had devoted my grades, my sleep, my health, my social life, my everything to my passion. And I had honestly felt that it was worth it, because, well, it was my passion.
But in life, as a student, I have too many true loves–too many passions I am caught up with. When they clash, they cause burns and scars running up my heart, Lacerations criss-crossed across my eyes; anger has blinded me, needles to my lungs, sadness has rendered my breathless, and despair–the despair that comes with having to give up one passion that you’ve carved out hunks of your own flesh for–despair has sucked me of hope and the determination to strive on.
I’m sorry, but can you tell me what to do? I know I’ve turned to your songs before–I’ve turned to your albums and YouTube videos of live performances and I’ve rewatched your choreography many times–not enough to be a ‘hardcore fan’, but enough, enough to refuel me for my next mission I embark on in life, your music gives me strength, BTS.
However, I am in need of advice. I would like advice from a person, to a person. Human beings to another human being, who has her head lost in rain-clouds and her heart trampled on too many times.
I am sad. I will not deny it. I seek advice. I will also not deny it.